(From 25th October 2016)
“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are” – E.E. Cummings
Well I really don’t know how many times over the past few months, yes months, I have written and re-written this post. Usually when writing a blog post I will have an idea in mind, take out one of my notebooks and just write it down and then copy it on to the computer later. I may edit it very slightly whilst I’m typing but for the most part they get copied straight off the paper. This post has been different and will probably still not work out how I imagine. Anyway, I’ll just get on with it.
Recently the whole concept of ‘growing up’ has been on my mind. I keep thinking about all the times at school that I was asked “what do you want to be when you grow up?”. This is a question constantly asked of children, I even ask my friends children, I asked my younger brothers when they were little and I still do now despite the fact that they are 15 and 18 and should by standards have an idea by now. The truth is though that I am 24 now and still don’t know what I want to be when I ‘grow up’. Surely by now I should have things figured out.
I have a job at the moment and for the most part believe that I am good at that job. I do my work and I get on with my colleagues. However, for the most part I feel like it has just become second nature to do what I do and my heart isn’t really in it. I don’t want to be doing this for the rest of my life simply because I can and its a job and pays the bills. I want to be the kind of person that can speak confidently and passionately about what I do. Also when it comes to changing jobs I have varying array of qualifications that don’t really match together, nor am I particularly good at anything or even have the confidence to try.
My younger brothers recently got their exam results for standard grades and highers and I’m very proud to say they both did very well. I also believe they both have a fairly set idea of what they want to do when they grow up. It must be difficult for teenagers to decide which direction to head in a far as jobs are concerned. Especially as they can spend years at college and university studying for a particular job and complete their course only to discover that no jobs are available in that field so they have to settle for whatever is available just to pay the bills and living pay check to pay check.
I have always had a dream of being a ‘somebody’. When I say a somebody I don’t mean some celebrity or famous person (although I wouldn’t necessarily say no). By a somebody I just mean a somebody who makes a difference, somebody who can change peoples lives for the better, even if it’s just one person’s life. I want to be a somebody and make my family proud. I don’t want to just settle for a job and a certain way of life just because its comfortable and pays the bills. I want more! but what? As previously stated I don’t have much confidence to spread my metaphorical wings and anything I do want to do I have no idea where to start and even the internet is not much help. The only thing I can ever remember being really passionate about doing was becoming a mother but even that doesn’t seem to be happening. That’s a rant for another day though.
I just find the whole concept of starting again in a new job or trying something new absolutely terrifying. Which I suppose is a completely contradictory thought process. Welcome to my life I suppose. Anyway I guess I digress and what I’m trying to say is that I need to find some of that courage that E.E Cummings is talking about and become the person I am supposed to be. Whoever that may be.
Thanks for reading…